Have wings, must fly

Tuesday 3-26-13

 Have wings, must fly

Today I wake up feeling different.. The sun is shining and the weather is warmer. David is at work and I and I've been invited to lunch. Dee and Gary are the parents of David's best friend from high school and have become David's 2nd parents... They are taking me out for (Iowa) Mexican food. I better get moving.

As i'm getting ready i pause and look in the mirror; a reflection back to the past. I've been chasing a memory for so long .. The person that once was is no more. Now I have turned into a beautiful loving mom. Coming back to Iowa I was afraid of seeing the new me... 100+ pounds heavier compared to when I left .. Granted a haven't run into any ex boyfriends or close friends but there's something freeing about saying "screw it, this is who I am.. Love me, laugh at me, or hate me.. This is me!" ... And I'm more confident. I'm ok.. This is me; I am free of the baggage .. But i miss my family so much!

I started humming that song that goes "its a new day, its a new way, and I feel fine." there is just something different today... I have a feeling of accomplishment with knowing I made it to Iowa, I came face to face with everything I was excited about and also with my fears. I only have a few unresolved feelings but I am ok with my journey so far.

Dee and Gary picked me up for lunch and off to lunch we went. Just a mental note: mexican food in iowa has no heat whatsoever... But it was refreshing to have mexican food since it is a staple in my home in Oregon. Dee, Gary and I had a very nice talk; they r good people. We reflected on my journey, talked about my mom and my dad and all that has happened over the past 20 years. It was refreshing to hear their point of view since they have been with my brother thru it all. It was nice to hear about their kids and grandkids too. Once lunch was over we took a few pictures and they dropped me back off at my brother's house.

Now here I sit with the tv on for background noise. I have a lot of thoughts running thru my head along with many emotions. As the time is ticking down I come to the realization I will not be making it out to Wabonsee state park. Its kind of ironic since it is the one place that was on my to do list while I was in Iowa. I'm a little disappointed but take a deep breathe and smile knowing it will be ok..

Waubonsie state park is where I had many childhood memories. I've been camping there and even fought back the racoons. I had many picnics there that involved sliding down a very tall and steep dirt hill that I know has been filled in since I've left. The dirt was so fine and so loose that we used to "sled" down the dirt but without a sled. It probably wasnt safe but it was a blast as a kid! In jr high I went to a church camp there and even had my underwear sent up the flag pole (one of the boys got into r tent and raided my suitcase). Throughout high school I had many hikes with my friends thru that park. Everything from climbing the trees to hiking the skinny trails in the daytime and hide and seek at night. We went when it was so hot and sweaty and when it was freezing cold outside. I went there after prom and its also where I had my senior pictures because i felt so connected to nature there. Its where I felt very comfortable. Those trees heard many secrets of mine and my friends... And at the main look out spot u can see 4 states all once: Iowa, Missouri, Kansas, and Nebraska. I would love to go back and see that park again.. And someday I will, just not today.

There's a reason for everything and I'm sure there's a reason for this. I've told my brother all along I have no agenda and there was no rush to get out there. Tuesday was going to be the sunny beautiful day and it made sense that we waited till Tuesday until we went out.. But when today came along david had to work so I had a wonderful lunch with dee and gary instead. If I look for the symbolic reason as to why I didnt go ... Maybe it is something I'm suppose to share with jeff on my next trip; maybe it symbolizes that no matter how we try sometimes some things if life are suppose to happen in a different chapter in the book of life.. Or maybe I'm not suppose to re-read that past chapter yet.

I called my blog a frog on a log.. I dont know why.. I think at some point I figured I would be out at wabonsee state park and feel like a frog on a log. Before I left Oregon I told jeff I wanted to blog about my journey and the name "a frog on a log and a blog" just came to me. It is kind of Dr Seuss like and that made me think of tony, but I really felt it was going to hold more of a meaning somehow... I just havent figured out why. I'm a little confused because I really felt I would find the meaning along the way and now my time in Iowa is almost over. I remember telling my brother the name of my blog and he laughed asking why I didn't just call it "my journey to Iowa." That probably would have made more sense, but then again somehow I think there will still be a meaning somewhere. Sitting in my brother's house today I felt like my blog should have been called "a dog on the floor and a squirrel in a tree." I've forgotten how big Iowa squirrels are and how many of them are in the trees. Maybe "Dark squirrel, white squirrel, grey squirrel... Bark, bark bark." Today that all makes more sense than "a frog on a log and a blog."

After another hour of reflection I feel like it should be "a caterpillar, a cocoon and a butterfly." Monday I felt a sense of closure with new beginnings but was unable to describe my feelings. Today I now know how to explain it. Many people use a butterfly to explain a transformation, I never thought I would use that description. But it is truly how I feel today, I feel transformed, I feel more mature, I feel energized and more confident .. I don't want to let my memories from my past chase my dreams of the future away. I have evolved into a beautiful butterly and right now it is the best way for me to describe how I feel. This trip really has given me so much closure and has allowed me to truly grow. Now I have wings and must learn how to fly.

Reflecting back,while looking forward, I called jeff. I told jeff this has been a good day to reflect.. Nice sunny day.. He said it's preparing for me to leave again like I was 18 .. And I say no, i'll be leaving again like I am 40. This is 40, this is me... And I feel really good. I'm not chasing the past and the memories of once was.. Life has gone on without me here. I'm ok with that. I dont feel stuck.. my life has gone on too.. And I'm ready to continue moving forward. So then I told jeff I am ready for college. That was a moment for me. I'm very scared about college; it's a big deal to me and it feels so unreachable at this stage in my life. But today I feel I have accomplished the goal of traveling to iowa, I checked it off my bucket list and I feel ready to try to climb the next mountain. So college here I come.. Hang on it will probably be a bumpy ride .. Maybe I'll have to call that blog "mrs toads wild ride"... But I'm excited and it feels good.. Even at 40.. no, especially at 40! Its time to fly.