Sunday 3-24-13
The gift of love
The kids are joking around, david is freezing outside with the bbq, and Sammy (the dog) wants attention. I do have to say Sammy is the smartest dog I've ever met. My brother said he's never really trained her but instead he talks to her a lot and she really does understand him. I've read those articles about dogs that can understand hundreds of words and she is one of those dogs. Allie and I chat and the dog plays while listening to see if she can hear any words she might recognize.
Tracey arrives and I can tell she is a little nervous to meet everyone. David and Tracey have been dating a couple of months now and today she not only gets to met Sean and Allie but also me.. The sister living in Oregon on an incredible journey thru Iowa. I can tell Tracey is somewhat shy today and careful with every word and movement. It reminded me of the times I met jeff's friends and family so many years ago. I clam up when I am in a new situation with people I barely know, especially when I dont want to say anything silly or embarrassing; so I completely understand her hesitations.
Tracey and I start talking and conversation is easy. I can tell she is a genuinely nice girl from Iowa with a very good heart. She owns her own daycare, she's taking college classes, She's a mom to 2 boys about tony's age (one who is adopted), and she is sincere with her words. And she can cook too; she brought some yummy calico chili beans along with two kinds of awesome deserts. No wonder my brother likes her, I'm wishing I lived closer to her so I could hang out more.
We ate our yummy bbq dinner with all the fixings. The ribs and tenderloin were cooked perfectly and they went well with all of the sides. I do have to say it was my favorite meal while in Iowa. It reminded me of homecooked meals from my honey back home. Jeff does 99% of the cooking at home (the other 1% is me reheating his meals in the microwave for Tony). Homemade cooking is awesome... Not only does it taste wonderful but its made with love. Some people cook because its a requirement to survive (me); some people cook because its a true paasion and they love to make something that makes others happy. It's a gift everyday to their family to show their love and appreciation. I try to tell Jeff thank u everyday for cooking, and I truly do mean it. I am very lucky to get such a wonderful gift of love each and every day.
It is cute watching David and Tracey together; in a new relationship. Tracey did not eat any ribs and I giggled because on my first date with jeff he took me Tony Roma's, which is famous for their ribs, and I ordered chicken because I was afraid to make a mess on my hands and face while trying to impress Jeff. Jeff not only ordered ribs, but he also wore a white long sleeved dress shirt. That was the day I learned jeff is a much neater eater than me. I smile though because I am reminded of jeff back home. Oh how I am starting to get homesick.
Its getting later and everyone will be going their separate ways soon, better get a few pictures to prove I really did get to see everyone. I'm gonna need something to hang on my walls when I get back home. Look over here, look over there. Snap, snap, now switch to the next set of people, snap, snap, smile. Ok you're all in the box.
We say our goodbyes. I wont see Allie or Tracey again before I leave so I make sure to give an extra hug goodbye to both. We get everything picked up and confirmed we had a really good day. A shot of Templeton rye whiskey made it complete .. Not bad for whiskey, pretty smooth actually and its even made in Iowa.
As david and I reflected on the day my mind found its way to Oregon, missing my family. I am so incredibly blessed. I have two awesome, energetic, smart, happy and silly boys. I also have a caring, loyal, spontaneous, fun, musically gifted, honest, handsome, encouraging, supportive husband back home who loves me with all of his heart. My brother asks me how do I make it (love and relationship) last. I dont know, it just works. I think of when jeff and I started dating. I had a lost and broken heart searching for who I was. I wasnt even looking for love, I didnt want anything serious. How could I love someone else when I didnt completely love myself. I had very little self confidence after coming from a verbally abusive relationship and love seemed like a fairytale in someone else's dream. Thankfully jeff was also looking for something fun and just wanted to see where life took us. A year went by and we were both like "huh, its been a year already?!" Two years went by and we were thinking "wow, we might actually have something here!" Marriage became a thought we tossed around every now and then. In the middle of the 2nd year we moved to Oregon together and by the end of our that year jeff proposed while we were in Vegas. A year later we married in Vegas! We dated for almost 4 years before we made that commitment. I knew I didnt want to rush anything and quite frankly I was scared and needed to have more self confidence before I could marry anyone. Jeff gave me the confidence and love I need. We were both at the right place in each of our lives to make it work. Jeff is very still encouraging and I know he loves me for who I am on the inside and has loved me thru every shape and size I find on the outside. Divorce is not a word we ever use or think about.. We just know the other one will always be here. We love traveling and making new memories together. We have our differences but we work thru them. I have learned to never hold a grudge; its ok to be mad or upset with each other, and my emotions are all ok to have, but talk it out or work thru it or go do something else for awhile, but let the anger go. I truly believe jeff is my soulmate and he completes me. We just understand each other and somehow we know what the other one is thinking. But this didnt happen overnight...we've been married over 12 years and together for 16. I tell my brother there is no race to the finish line or to get married, especially since a wedding is not the finish line. Its all one long journey and everyday is a gift you open and see what surprise is inside. Just try to bring a positive gift everyday and all should work out for the best.
As david and I are talking jeff emails me a poem. Jeff and I are going to be seeing each other in 3 more days! Before I left he told me it will be a full moon on the night we meet in Reno, so watch the moon and I will see our time together getting closer and closer.. Jeff's poem:
I saw my moon tonight, almost calling you
If you look up clearly, you can feel me tonight
Three more nights, the moon will shine on us
Three more nights, we'll hold each other tight
Something I need to remember: Everyday I am given the gift of love. Be sure share the gift of love with others and slow down... No just stop for 5 minutes everyday and truly appreciate those gifts. What made me happy today, what did I learn today? Did someone tell me thank u; did I tell someone thank u? What do I want tony to remember from today? Did I tell everyone I love u. Presents are only good if u give and receive them; Life passes by so quickly.. Tonight I am reminded I need to stop and open the presents everyday... Today I have been blessed with so many! ♥
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
A day of family
Sunday 3-24-13
A day of family
Sunday I slept in (if you havent noticed this is becoming a regular event). Once we got moving around it was off to the grocery store to pick up a few things for the bbq (yes, I said bbq!). As we went to get out of the truck it was very cold. The temperature was around 19, but it was with a cold wind and intermittent snow. I wanted to take some pictures but I was quickly reminded why we used to wear long johns under our clothes. It reminded me of days when my hair would freeze while walking to school. I paused for a minute to read over a sign in front of hyvee. It was reserving a parking spot for expectant mothers, right next to the handicap parking spot. Where else do you see that?! Yes, I am in Iowa!
Off we went into the store to pick up some ribs, a pork tenderloin and some spring salad to go with our potato salad. Spring salad is a creamy salad with sea shell noodles, white onions, cucumbers (I think), and green bell pepers. Its a midwest thing that I've never seen anywhere else and have forgotten about until today but I was excited to see it again.
Back to the house to get ready to visit with David's family. Sean (David's son) has been over already a few times and I've really enjoyed visiting with him so far. Allie (David's daughter) has been sick this week, so today is the first day I will get to see her. And I get to meet David's girlfriend Tracey, who I am excited to meet. Sounds like a good day to me. :)
David started working on the smoker; just a mental note: it takes awhile for a smoker to get to cookimg temperature when its below freezing outside. We watched some Nascar racing and relaxed some more. I looked over my daily notes I've been keeping and noticed on each day I have commented on how much slower and relaxed the pace of Iowa is. Maybe its just me... Maybe its just this trip... But right now its so wondeful to take it all in and live in this moment.
Sean and his girlfriend, Justine, showed up first; then Allie came along a little later. Its amazing how the kids have grown! I still remember them as being young children with lots laughter and curiosity. Most of my memories with them include my parents since that is where we have always met up. Here's just a few of those memories:
Sean as a child: watching him running to the garage so he could scream on Christmas morning when he opened a cool present, his toes being afraid to go in the ocean, my son david and sean wrestling (which, by the way, Sean would win every time), playing video games, playing at the park, going to universal studios and seeing spiderman, the dodger game, them getting to California from Iowa faster than we got to California from Oregon (due to a blizzard), and seeing them in Washington, DC and Sean getting a guitar.
And then there's Allie as a child: the pretty purple poodle pillow, being a "girlie" girl who loved purses and jewelry and having her hair done, watching movies, going for walks, playing in my parents back yard, chasing the dog around, riding the mummy ride with me at universal studios, the dodger game, going shopping, and of course, my mom braiding her hair.
Those are just a few memories among so many more that I have of the two of them. Memories are such a wonderful gift to have. And now we are sitting here watching tv, making new memories and each one of us are on our phones typing away to our friends and family. Its rather ironic dont you think? But I am just as guilty as anyone else and I do believe that is just a part of the times we live in, no offence taken and none given. But it did make me think of the time my family was at Disneyland and our son David spent a lot time texting to his friends back home. And this makes me laugh and think about my own children...
Memories of (my son) David and my parents: video games, reading, video games, target, video games, walks with my parents, video games, Christmas morning, video games, Disneyland and Universal Studios, the ocean, McDonald's, oh... Did I say video games?! My son was so fortunate to grow up having such a great relationship with my parents. It was one of fairytales for him .. once we had moved to Oregon we visited my parents every few months so he was blessed with being spoiled (as was I!). There are so many more memories but there's not enough room in my blog to share them all. My most recent memory of my son David and my dad was at my son's graduation... Oh how proud that made me!!
Memories with Tony and my parents: Tony was only 2 when my mom died but she lived to see him born and to be able to hold him took all of her strength to get better. She loved babies and holding tony always made her smile. Tony doesnt remember her much but he knows how much we love her... And he does have memories with my dad. Tony loved flying to DC and the plane bouncing like Tigger (from Winnie the Pooh). Tony enjoyed meeting Farima all the kids, and more recently going on the Hellgate boat trip with grandpa. He asks about them often and he is one of my encouraging factors of wanting to blog with my dad and his family. We all live much further apart now and if blogging helps continue those memories then its important to me to make the time to figure it out.
I think about the children during the week of my mom's funeral and how strong they were. All of them confused and heartbroken dealing with their emotions each in their own ways. But all of them brought the innocent laughter during such a hard time, still needing to go to the park and play, still needing the assurance that life must go on, all wanting to have an opinion in the upcoming service; all wanting their memories to be heard. They brought us much joy during such a hard week in our lives; what a blessing! And they are a daily reminders that life does go on. I really do understand how and why my dad has chosen to marry someone with 5 kids. We joke that my mom would be rolling her eyes at the thought, but kids give you so many memories and without memories our lives may be boring. Kids are not for everyone, and that's ok; but for some people, kids give us joy and laughter mixed within mass chaos and that can give us a reason to keep living.
The future for our kids is still to be written but Sean has plans of the National Guard, Allie is thinking more immediate towards getting her driver's license, David is working and saving for college and Tony is asking about 2nd grade... I have images of all the kids growing up and becoming awesome adults. I am so proud of each of them for different reasons and I am happy my memories will continue to grow. For now, I will continue to live in the moment and capture these images in my head, and type on my tablet to remember it all later.
A day of family
Sunday I slept in (if you havent noticed this is becoming a regular event). Once we got moving around it was off to the grocery store to pick up a few things for the bbq (yes, I said bbq!). As we went to get out of the truck it was very cold. The temperature was around 19, but it was with a cold wind and intermittent snow. I wanted to take some pictures but I was quickly reminded why we used to wear long johns under our clothes. It reminded me of days when my hair would freeze while walking to school. I paused for a minute to read over a sign in front of hyvee. It was reserving a parking spot for expectant mothers, right next to the handicap parking spot. Where else do you see that?! Yes, I am in Iowa!
Off we went into the store to pick up some ribs, a pork tenderloin and some spring salad to go with our potato salad. Spring salad is a creamy salad with sea shell noodles, white onions, cucumbers (I think), and green bell pepers. Its a midwest thing that I've never seen anywhere else and have forgotten about until today but I was excited to see it again.
Back to the house to get ready to visit with David's family. Sean (David's son) has been over already a few times and I've really enjoyed visiting with him so far. Allie (David's daughter) has been sick this week, so today is the first day I will get to see her. And I get to meet David's girlfriend Tracey, who I am excited to meet. Sounds like a good day to me. :)
David started working on the smoker; just a mental note: it takes awhile for a smoker to get to cookimg temperature when its below freezing outside. We watched some Nascar racing and relaxed some more. I looked over my daily notes I've been keeping and noticed on each day I have commented on how much slower and relaxed the pace of Iowa is. Maybe its just me... Maybe its just this trip... But right now its so wondeful to take it all in and live in this moment.
Sean and his girlfriend, Justine, showed up first; then Allie came along a little later. Its amazing how the kids have grown! I still remember them as being young children with lots laughter and curiosity. Most of my memories with them include my parents since that is where we have always met up. Here's just a few of those memories:
Sean as a child: watching him running to the garage so he could scream on Christmas morning when he opened a cool present, his toes being afraid to go in the ocean, my son david and sean wrestling (which, by the way, Sean would win every time), playing video games, playing at the park, going to universal studios and seeing spiderman, the dodger game, them getting to California from Iowa faster than we got to California from Oregon (due to a blizzard), and seeing them in Washington, DC and Sean getting a guitar.
And then there's Allie as a child: the pretty purple poodle pillow, being a "girlie" girl who loved purses and jewelry and having her hair done, watching movies, going for walks, playing in my parents back yard, chasing the dog around, riding the mummy ride with me at universal studios, the dodger game, going shopping, and of course, my mom braiding her hair.
Those are just a few memories among so many more that I have of the two of them. Memories are such a wonderful gift to have. And now we are sitting here watching tv, making new memories and each one of us are on our phones typing away to our friends and family. Its rather ironic dont you think? But I am just as guilty as anyone else and I do believe that is just a part of the times we live in, no offence taken and none given. But it did make me think of the time my family was at Disneyland and our son David spent a lot time texting to his friends back home. And this makes me laugh and think about my own children...
Memories of (my son) David and my parents: video games, reading, video games, target, video games, walks with my parents, video games, Christmas morning, video games, Disneyland and Universal Studios, the ocean, McDonald's, oh... Did I say video games?! My son was so fortunate to grow up having such a great relationship with my parents. It was one of fairytales for him .. once we had moved to Oregon we visited my parents every few months so he was blessed with being spoiled (as was I!). There are so many more memories but there's not enough room in my blog to share them all. My most recent memory of my son David and my dad was at my son's graduation... Oh how proud that made me!!
Memories with Tony and my parents: Tony was only 2 when my mom died but she lived to see him born and to be able to hold him took all of her strength to get better. She loved babies and holding tony always made her smile. Tony doesnt remember her much but he knows how much we love her... And he does have memories with my dad. Tony loved flying to DC and the plane bouncing like Tigger (from Winnie the Pooh). Tony enjoyed meeting Farima all the kids, and more recently going on the Hellgate boat trip with grandpa. He asks about them often and he is one of my encouraging factors of wanting to blog with my dad and his family. We all live much further apart now and if blogging helps continue those memories then its important to me to make the time to figure it out.
I think about the children during the week of my mom's funeral and how strong they were. All of them confused and heartbroken dealing with their emotions each in their own ways. But all of them brought the innocent laughter during such a hard time, still needing to go to the park and play, still needing the assurance that life must go on, all wanting to have an opinion in the upcoming service; all wanting their memories to be heard. They brought us much joy during such a hard week in our lives; what a blessing! And they are a daily reminders that life does go on. I really do understand how and why my dad has chosen to marry someone with 5 kids. We joke that my mom would be rolling her eyes at the thought, but kids give you so many memories and without memories our lives may be boring. Kids are not for everyone, and that's ok; but for some people, kids give us joy and laughter mixed within mass chaos and that can give us a reason to keep living.
The future for our kids is still to be written but Sean has plans of the National Guard, Allie is thinking more immediate towards getting her driver's license, David is working and saving for college and Tony is asking about 2nd grade... I have images of all the kids growing up and becoming awesome adults. I am so proud of each of them for different reasons and I am happy my memories will continue to grow. For now, I will continue to live in the moment and capture these images in my head, and type on my tablet to remember it all later.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
A whimper, a tear, and one loud scream
Saturday 3-23-13
After our trip to the cemetery, I felt so much burden lifted and refreshed. David and I drove around some old dirt roads in the snow. We drove from Essex out to a lake called Pierce Creek were we did a lot of fishing as kids. My dad enjoyed fishing and was really good at re-baiting fishing lines, although that may have come with years of experience since me and my brother were really good at getting our fishing lines stuck in the muck of the lake.
There's one story I must tell, even knowing that my entire family has heard it so many times they will be telling it right along with me. I was a young girl and my dad spent a lot of time prepping me on going fishing. He told me that I had to have patience.. Fishing takes time and you just have to wait until the fish are ready to bite your bait. There will be a lot of sitting around so just enjoy the fresh air. There's bugs so use the stinky bug spray and dont forget the sun dope (sun screen). But most of all, I have to be quiet... Dont make any loud noises, dont make any quick movements and dont scream or you will scare the fish away. My dad did a good job at telling me how important this last rule was; I knew I had to be quiet, but I was so proud I got to go along with the boys and go fishing. When walking up to the lake you have to park your car in a lot and hike over and down this hill to the lake. I was so excited to follow the little path down the hill. I was wearing flip flops and shorts. The grass was so tall it was tickling my bare legs but I knew I couldnt laugh (it might be too noisy). About half way down the hill I just froze in place. I started to whimper and point down to my leg. I didnt want to scream, it would scare the fish away, so I just stood there.. "mmhh, mmhh," "mmhhh, mmhhh!" "MMHHH, MMHHH!!!" With every whimper my hand gester to my leg was more stern. My dad turned and looked at my leg and let out a really loud scream. "Dad, you broke the rules, you screamed; you're gonna scare the fish away!!!" He didnt care though.. You see on my skinny little leg was this huge snake wrapped around like it was crawling up a tree. With each "mmhh" it was swirling around my leg and crawling up even higher towards my waste. By the last "MMMHH!" the snakes whole body was around my entire leg. When my dad screamed the snake got scared, pooped on my leg and slithered down the path and swam on top of the lake. The image of the snake swimming on the water, and seeing how big it really was, is still fresh in my head. So is the scream of a father protecting his daughter to scare away the snake, even if that meant scaring the fish away. Just to finish the story, I wiped off the poop with a paper towel, and we went fishing.. And some of the fish even came back so we could catch them. :) I grew up being a tom boy who loved to fish and even catch snakes, just not the big ones.. But yes, I still wanted to play with gardener snakes and I wasnt afraid of them. My brother and I told this story again, its become a family favorite, as we were driving around at the lake.
There are times in life I just want to cry and scream .. Things are out of control and I have a big "monster" crawling inside of my head. Those monsters turn to fear so I get scared and insecure of myself and turn my emotions off. I wimper and hold back tears to be strong but in reality it makes more fears and holds me back from trying things I want to try.. The fear of failure becomes too strong and it holds me back from even trying (college comes to mind). What I should do is just let it all out and scream. Maybe its ok to scream every now and then ... It might feel good and get those real emotions out and maybe it will even chase the monsters away. For now back to the lake..
I got out and braved the cold wind and snow to take a few pictures then off we went to the next stop... After the lake we drove over to the sand pits to see how they have changed. The sand pits are not the kind you see in pictures at the ocean on the west coast. I'm not sure there's even any sand in these dunes. Instead they are mini ponds we went mudding in as teenagers. Some ponds were bigger than others and "back in the day" they were teenage hideouts. I guess the city finally got smarter than the teenagers and they made the sand pits into a campground so everyone can enjoy.
I felt like I was on a bus tour (like they have in big cities) to view all the popular sites. I realized when I went to take a picture with my cell phone it was no longer on my lap, which meant it must be back at Pierce Creek. All I could think about was this muskrat I was trying to take a picture of, while at Pierce Creek, would find my phone and go swimming. I was fidgeting all the way back to the lake; i felt like crying. I was in luck though, my phone was right where it fell out, and I was even able to get it dried before any damage was done.
Now its snowing enough the dirt roads are blending in with the sides of the road. I can hear kathy and jeff saying "ooohh" like grandma Hazel in my head and I smile. Its time to head back towards town. David and I decide on the hyvee deli take out for dinner and head back to his house. Its been a long emotional day, time to veg out in front of the tv and relax. Both david and I are tired and the movie "Grown Ups" is on tv. It feels good to sit and reflect on my day while watching a good comedy.
My ah ha moment at the end of my day... Sometimes a whimper will do, sometimes you need to cry, sometimes its a simple goodbye, and sometimes you really need to scream to let it all out and chase all your fears away... And thats all ok... But sometimes you just need some one on one time with your brother and a silly comedy to make it all better. ♡
After our trip to the cemetery, I felt so much burden lifted and refreshed. David and I drove around some old dirt roads in the snow. We drove from Essex out to a lake called Pierce Creek were we did a lot of fishing as kids. My dad enjoyed fishing and was really good at re-baiting fishing lines, although that may have come with years of experience since me and my brother were really good at getting our fishing lines stuck in the muck of the lake.
There's one story I must tell, even knowing that my entire family has heard it so many times they will be telling it right along with me. I was a young girl and my dad spent a lot of time prepping me on going fishing. He told me that I had to have patience.. Fishing takes time and you just have to wait until the fish are ready to bite your bait. There will be a lot of sitting around so just enjoy the fresh air. There's bugs so use the stinky bug spray and dont forget the sun dope (sun screen). But most of all, I have to be quiet... Dont make any loud noises, dont make any quick movements and dont scream or you will scare the fish away. My dad did a good job at telling me how important this last rule was; I knew I had to be quiet, but I was so proud I got to go along with the boys and go fishing. When walking up to the lake you have to park your car in a lot and hike over and down this hill to the lake. I was so excited to follow the little path down the hill. I was wearing flip flops and shorts. The grass was so tall it was tickling my bare legs but I knew I couldnt laugh (it might be too noisy). About half way down the hill I just froze in place. I started to whimper and point down to my leg. I didnt want to scream, it would scare the fish away, so I just stood there.. "mmhh, mmhh," "mmhhh, mmhhh!" "MMHHH, MMHHH!!!" With every whimper my hand gester to my leg was more stern. My dad turned and looked at my leg and let out a really loud scream. "Dad, you broke the rules, you screamed; you're gonna scare the fish away!!!" He didnt care though.. You see on my skinny little leg was this huge snake wrapped around like it was crawling up a tree. With each "mmhh" it was swirling around my leg and crawling up even higher towards my waste. By the last "MMMHH!" the snakes whole body was around my entire leg. When my dad screamed the snake got scared, pooped on my leg and slithered down the path and swam on top of the lake. The image of the snake swimming on the water, and seeing how big it really was, is still fresh in my head. So is the scream of a father protecting his daughter to scare away the snake, even if that meant scaring the fish away. Just to finish the story, I wiped off the poop with a paper towel, and we went fishing.. And some of the fish even came back so we could catch them. :) I grew up being a tom boy who loved to fish and even catch snakes, just not the big ones.. But yes, I still wanted to play with gardener snakes and I wasnt afraid of them. My brother and I told this story again, its become a family favorite, as we were driving around at the lake.
There are times in life I just want to cry and scream .. Things are out of control and I have a big "monster" crawling inside of my head. Those monsters turn to fear so I get scared and insecure of myself and turn my emotions off. I wimper and hold back tears to be strong but in reality it makes more fears and holds me back from trying things I want to try.. The fear of failure becomes too strong and it holds me back from even trying (college comes to mind). What I should do is just let it all out and scream. Maybe its ok to scream every now and then ... It might feel good and get those real emotions out and maybe it will even chase the monsters away. For now back to the lake..
I got out and braved the cold wind and snow to take a few pictures then off we went to the next stop... After the lake we drove over to the sand pits to see how they have changed. The sand pits are not the kind you see in pictures at the ocean on the west coast. I'm not sure there's even any sand in these dunes. Instead they are mini ponds we went mudding in as teenagers. Some ponds were bigger than others and "back in the day" they were teenage hideouts. I guess the city finally got smarter than the teenagers and they made the sand pits into a campground so everyone can enjoy.
I felt like I was on a bus tour (like they have in big cities) to view all the popular sites. I realized when I went to take a picture with my cell phone it was no longer on my lap, which meant it must be back at Pierce Creek. All I could think about was this muskrat I was trying to take a picture of, while at Pierce Creek, would find my phone and go swimming. I was fidgeting all the way back to the lake; i felt like crying. I was in luck though, my phone was right where it fell out, and I was even able to get it dried before any damage was done.
Now its snowing enough the dirt roads are blending in with the sides of the road. I can hear kathy and jeff saying "ooohh" like grandma Hazel in my head and I smile. Its time to head back towards town. David and I decide on the hyvee deli take out for dinner and head back to his house. Its been a long emotional day, time to veg out in front of the tv and relax. Both david and I are tired and the movie "Grown Ups" is on tv. It feels good to sit and reflect on my day while watching a good comedy.
My ah ha moment at the end of my day... Sometimes a whimper will do, sometimes you need to cry, sometimes its a simple goodbye, and sometimes you really need to scream to let it all out and chase all your fears away... And thats all ok... But sometimes you just need some one on one time with your brother and a silly comedy to make it all better. ♡
Monday, April 8, 2013
Happy birthday mom!!
On a side note...
Today, April 8th, is my mom's birthday. I know I am out of sequence but it seems odd not to mention it. She would be 61 if she was still alive. Its weird to me because I feel like I should be giving her a present to celebrate but instead she has given me this amazing strength to go on this journey. I know 100% that this trip, this journey, was/is a gift from her. She has given me this amazing strength to not only go back to Iowa but to truly absorb all the hidden meanings and treasures it holds. she would be so proud of davids amazing woodworking (he is very gifted in his artwork!!) and his mancave he has made of his garage. She would be so proud of my dad for continuing on with his life and I'm certain she would enjoy talking with Farima too. I know she would be so incredibly greatful to my husband for encouraging this journey and insisting I continue to allow myself to have time and to write now that I am home. My mom would be proud of my kids and Davids too, and how much they have grown and become awesome kids. And i know my mom would be so proud of me too... so proud that I am living forward and resolving issues from my past.
I know as I type my blog there are several typing errors and things that would need to be changed if I were ever to publish more than just a blog... But I want them to be there. What I am putting out is true raw emotions and nothing has been changed. My mom's life was not perfect .. But she is perfect in my eyes .. And I hope you can see thru my imperfections to know my true feelings.
Happy birthday mom! You were and still are an amazing person. I am so proud of you and the unconditional love you showed me and my family! Thank you for the many presents you have given to us and the love we will never forget!! Happy birthday! Love ya bye!! Tina
Today, April 8th, is my mom's birthday. I know I am out of sequence but it seems odd not to mention it. She would be 61 if she was still alive. Its weird to me because I feel like I should be giving her a present to celebrate but instead she has given me this amazing strength to go on this journey. I know 100% that this trip, this journey, was/is a gift from her. She has given me this amazing strength to not only go back to Iowa but to truly absorb all the hidden meanings and treasures it holds. she would be so proud of davids amazing woodworking (he is very gifted in his artwork!!) and his mancave he has made of his garage. She would be so proud of my dad for continuing on with his life and I'm certain she would enjoy talking with Farima too. I know she would be so incredibly greatful to my husband for encouraging this journey and insisting I continue to allow myself to have time and to write now that I am home. My mom would be proud of my kids and Davids too, and how much they have grown and become awesome kids. And i know my mom would be so proud of me too... so proud that I am living forward and resolving issues from my past.
I know as I type my blog there are several typing errors and things that would need to be changed if I were ever to publish more than just a blog... But I want them to be there. What I am putting out is true raw emotions and nothing has been changed. My mom's life was not perfect .. But she is perfect in my eyes .. And I hope you can see thru my imperfections to know my true feelings.
Happy birthday mom! You were and still are an amazing person. I am so proud of you and the unconditional love you showed me and my family! Thank you for the many presents you have given to us and the love we will never forget!! Happy birthday! Love ya bye!! Tina
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Goodbye
Saturday 3-23-13
Goodbye
Let me just start by saying, I am not sharing this in my blog for sympathy or the shock and ah factor. I'm not going to share any more details than already given regarding specifics, but this is about my life. I'm sharing because it was such a big deal for me to go the the cemetery on Saturday in Iowa and this blog is for me, my recovery, and to share with my close friends and family. It's not something I am ashamed of, but it did change my life. It affected how I've dealt with my future relationships, how I feel about myself, how I feel about church and and how I deal with my friendships now. It seems silly for me not to include this in my blog since it was such a big part of Saturday and my journey. I realize it's a very personal thing and if it makes you uncomfortable then please dont read it. It's made me uncomfortable for way too many years and I need this closure... So for me, I must type on.
David and I continued to talk long into the night, early morning. It was interesting to me to hear how my brother's life was changed from that moment and how he remembered everything. My family was super supportive of me and looking back I know it only made us a much stronger family. But that didnt come without a few bumps in the road. My mom felt very guilty for reading my diary but I was (and still am) very thankful she did read it. She knew me well enough to know something wasnt right and she stopped something that could've become much worse than what it already was. I went into therapy and learned to write my emotions out. I was confused because I didnt really understand why we could no longer hang out with Max and Lucille. I also felt a lot of guilt because I told the truth and that affected not just me, but my whole family and many of our church friends. I had never seen my dad so mad before that day. Someone we loved and cared for so much took my innocence away. Other children from the church were questioned, and to my knowledge, I was the only one. We still kept our other friends at church but it was all just different. There was a day I was home sick from school and Lucille showed up. She pushed her way into the house and started yelling at me and calling me a liar and said I just wanted attention. That hurt me so bad. To hear those words from someone I loved so much just hurt. As an adult I understand she was only trying to deal with her pain and loss also, but to this day her words hurt, and I suppose that is what she was going for at the time.
As I mentioned, I went thru therapy... I think they should have offered it to all members of my family, not just me. I know we had a few family sessions but I know their pain was as great as mine. As part of my final session in therapy I was able to talk face to face with Max. Being brought up in the church I was taught to always forgive.... And I did forgive him. I gave forgiveness but I still carried the pain and burden on myself. I dont know that the rest of my family was able to forgive him. On that day I was able to tell Max that I didn't understand it all, but I did forgive him. I told him I know I will never be able to be around him anymore but it was just too painful to tell him goodbye, so someday after he died, if I was in Shenandoah I would go out to his grave and tell him goodbye. I told this to my brother while we were in the garage tonight. He never knew that part of my conversation with Max. I didnt even know for sure if Max had died. After checking the internet on our phones (isnt technology great?!) we were able to confirm he did die a few years ago. We knew at that moment what we were going to do on Saturday... We were going to Essex and going out to the cemetery.
Saturday we got a late start, but considering it was a very late night it felt wonderful to sleep in as long as we wanted to. I think it was probably 2 or 3 before we got out the door. There were rumors of snow and as we got in my brother's truck it was becoming more than a rumor. It was actually refreshing to see the snow in Iowa. I was happy it was snowing but didnt want there to be too much snow.. I want to be able to get back home on Wednesday... But for now, let it snow! I felt like a little kid seeing the first snow of the winter, hoping for a snow day from school.
As we drove out to Essex I could hear Mickey and Becky Moore in my head. For those of you not familiar with them, they are Christian singers and we would often listen to them on our drive to church. I felt like I was in the blue station wagon as we drove past the three KMA radio towers. We drove past the gingerbread house (that always reminded me of Hansel and Gretel), and farmhouses I still remember. The drive is only 15 minutes but it took me back 30 years.
Essex looks familiar. The high school now also includes the elementary school. The houses look pretty much the same and the churches are still as majestic as I remember them. As we drove up to Max and Lucille's house I could hear the laughter and smell the dinner cooking. But the house is deserted; a foreclosure notice posted on the window. The living room once filled with blue curtains and blue furniture is now empty. That white house now stands still and empty, almost as chilling as my emotions attached to the house.
David and I drove over to our church. Unlike my old house I had a strong desire to go inside. The snow hit my face as I got out of the truck and went to check the doors. They were all locked. I almost knocked on the pastor's house door but I didnt want the conversation, I only wanted my memory. So I took many pictures to capture the moment and got back in the warm truck.
We drove around town more looking at several houses that once belonged to our friends. Kimi's house has had a room or two added on, but I bet the basement still floods. Ruth Marie's place looked the same. I remembered seeing the biggest Christmas tree ever in Noral's house along with his wife's really old barbies. Main street looked different.. Missing the Swedish store and a park that once was there. Its amazing how many memories a town can hold. One last stop by Max and Lucille's house and our tour of the town was complete.
Onward to the cemetery .. the dirt road heading out to the cemetery was dusted with snow. It was a short road but seemed to go on forever. As we drove into the cemetery many tombstones were all around. We had no idea what type of grave we were looking for or in what direction it might be located. We slowly drove around ...its a smaller cemetery so this shouldn't be too hard. Holy cow there are a lot of Johnson's, Carlson's, Ryberg's, and other names that end in "son." maybe this wont be as easy as we thought. Row after row we were not able to find it from our car. We saw this big sign on the back row, surely this is a directory with plots and names. David and I got out in the cold wind and snow and looked over the board. It was not written in a way to explain anything. It told us many names and third row, but it didnt say which third row or if it was in the front or back of the cemetery. It was typed from an old typewriter and appeared to be referring to the older tombstones. It was useless. So back in the truck we went.. Oh the heat felt good. I was almost ready to give up but david was not. He knew this was too important to give up now. He looked on his phone and was able to find a picture of the tombstone via Lucille's obituary. Again I am amazed at technology. Now we know what color, what shape and size we are looking for, so we drove around some more. The snow is falling harder, the wind is picking up. Oh my God, there it is.. Am I ready for this? It was located back towards the entrance. Looking around I can see a sign at the entrance of the cemetery that looks professional with the locations of everyone. Ironically I think it was meant for us to drive around and have time to feel all the history a cemetery holds.
I asked David to take some pictures because I dont know how much of this I can soak in. I buttoned my coat up and out I went. Brrrr! The grass crunched with every step over to the stone. I was hit with so many emotions. What do I say, how will I feel? As I approached the stone many tears fell. I could tell it was emotional for my brother too. Two people that brought so much happiness and pain to me and my family lay under this stone. As I knelt down to touch the stone a brisk wind pressed against my face. The snow was melting as it hit my cheeks. I stood back up and saw another stone just for Max. I walked over and took a deep breath and said Goodbye.
The snow seemed very fitting. There is something pure about snow. There's a Christian song that has a pharse about washing your sins away with snow. I can hear the music, but cant think of the words.. but its ok.. I got the meaning. As I got back in the truck both David and I wiped tears off our face. He asked if I needed anymore time alone or if I was ok. I told him I was ok, I only needed to say one word.. One word with so much meaning, so much closure.. Goodbye.
Goodbye
Let me just start by saying, I am not sharing this in my blog for sympathy or the shock and ah factor. I'm not going to share any more details than already given regarding specifics, but this is about my life. I'm sharing because it was such a big deal for me to go the the cemetery on Saturday in Iowa and this blog is for me, my recovery, and to share with my close friends and family. It's not something I am ashamed of, but it did change my life. It affected how I've dealt with my future relationships, how I feel about myself, how I feel about church and and how I deal with my friendships now. It seems silly for me not to include this in my blog since it was such a big part of Saturday and my journey. I realize it's a very personal thing and if it makes you uncomfortable then please dont read it. It's made me uncomfortable for way too many years and I need this closure... So for me, I must type on.
David and I continued to talk long into the night, early morning. It was interesting to me to hear how my brother's life was changed from that moment and how he remembered everything. My family was super supportive of me and looking back I know it only made us a much stronger family. But that didnt come without a few bumps in the road. My mom felt very guilty for reading my diary but I was (and still am) very thankful she did read it. She knew me well enough to know something wasnt right and she stopped something that could've become much worse than what it already was. I went into therapy and learned to write my emotions out. I was confused because I didnt really understand why we could no longer hang out with Max and Lucille. I also felt a lot of guilt because I told the truth and that affected not just me, but my whole family and many of our church friends. I had never seen my dad so mad before that day. Someone we loved and cared for so much took my innocence away. Other children from the church were questioned, and to my knowledge, I was the only one. We still kept our other friends at church but it was all just different. There was a day I was home sick from school and Lucille showed up. She pushed her way into the house and started yelling at me and calling me a liar and said I just wanted attention. That hurt me so bad. To hear those words from someone I loved so much just hurt. As an adult I understand she was only trying to deal with her pain and loss also, but to this day her words hurt, and I suppose that is what she was going for at the time.
As I mentioned, I went thru therapy... I think they should have offered it to all members of my family, not just me. I know we had a few family sessions but I know their pain was as great as mine. As part of my final session in therapy I was able to talk face to face with Max. Being brought up in the church I was taught to always forgive.... And I did forgive him. I gave forgiveness but I still carried the pain and burden on myself. I dont know that the rest of my family was able to forgive him. On that day I was able to tell Max that I didn't understand it all, but I did forgive him. I told him I know I will never be able to be around him anymore but it was just too painful to tell him goodbye, so someday after he died, if I was in Shenandoah I would go out to his grave and tell him goodbye. I told this to my brother while we were in the garage tonight. He never knew that part of my conversation with Max. I didnt even know for sure if Max had died. After checking the internet on our phones (isnt technology great?!) we were able to confirm he did die a few years ago. We knew at that moment what we were going to do on Saturday... We were going to Essex and going out to the cemetery.
Saturday we got a late start, but considering it was a very late night it felt wonderful to sleep in as long as we wanted to. I think it was probably 2 or 3 before we got out the door. There were rumors of snow and as we got in my brother's truck it was becoming more than a rumor. It was actually refreshing to see the snow in Iowa. I was happy it was snowing but didnt want there to be too much snow.. I want to be able to get back home on Wednesday... But for now, let it snow! I felt like a little kid seeing the first snow of the winter, hoping for a snow day from school.
As we drove out to Essex I could hear Mickey and Becky Moore in my head. For those of you not familiar with them, they are Christian singers and we would often listen to them on our drive to church. I felt like I was in the blue station wagon as we drove past the three KMA radio towers. We drove past the gingerbread house (that always reminded me of Hansel and Gretel), and farmhouses I still remember. The drive is only 15 minutes but it took me back 30 years.
Essex looks familiar. The high school now also includes the elementary school. The houses look pretty much the same and the churches are still as majestic as I remember them. As we drove up to Max and Lucille's house I could hear the laughter and smell the dinner cooking. But the house is deserted; a foreclosure notice posted on the window. The living room once filled with blue curtains and blue furniture is now empty. That white house now stands still and empty, almost as chilling as my emotions attached to the house.
David and I drove over to our church. Unlike my old house I had a strong desire to go inside. The snow hit my face as I got out of the truck and went to check the doors. They were all locked. I almost knocked on the pastor's house door but I didnt want the conversation, I only wanted my memory. So I took many pictures to capture the moment and got back in the warm truck.
We drove around town more looking at several houses that once belonged to our friends. Kimi's house has had a room or two added on, but I bet the basement still floods. Ruth Marie's place looked the same. I remembered seeing the biggest Christmas tree ever in Noral's house along with his wife's really old barbies. Main street looked different.. Missing the Swedish store and a park that once was there. Its amazing how many memories a town can hold. One last stop by Max and Lucille's house and our tour of the town was complete.
Onward to the cemetery .. the dirt road heading out to the cemetery was dusted with snow. It was a short road but seemed to go on forever. As we drove into the cemetery many tombstones were all around. We had no idea what type of grave we were looking for or in what direction it might be located. We slowly drove around ...its a smaller cemetery so this shouldn't be too hard. Holy cow there are a lot of Johnson's, Carlson's, Ryberg's, and other names that end in "son." maybe this wont be as easy as we thought. Row after row we were not able to find it from our car. We saw this big sign on the back row, surely this is a directory with plots and names. David and I got out in the cold wind and snow and looked over the board. It was not written in a way to explain anything. It told us many names and third row, but it didnt say which third row or if it was in the front or back of the cemetery. It was typed from an old typewriter and appeared to be referring to the older tombstones. It was useless. So back in the truck we went.. Oh the heat felt good. I was almost ready to give up but david was not. He knew this was too important to give up now. He looked on his phone and was able to find a picture of the tombstone via Lucille's obituary. Again I am amazed at technology. Now we know what color, what shape and size we are looking for, so we drove around some more. The snow is falling harder, the wind is picking up. Oh my God, there it is.. Am I ready for this? It was located back towards the entrance. Looking around I can see a sign at the entrance of the cemetery that looks professional with the locations of everyone. Ironically I think it was meant for us to drive around and have time to feel all the history a cemetery holds.
I asked David to take some pictures because I dont know how much of this I can soak in. I buttoned my coat up and out I went. Brrrr! The grass crunched with every step over to the stone. I was hit with so many emotions. What do I say, how will I feel? As I approached the stone many tears fell. I could tell it was emotional for my brother too. Two people that brought so much happiness and pain to me and my family lay under this stone. As I knelt down to touch the stone a brisk wind pressed against my face. The snow was melting as it hit my cheeks. I stood back up and saw another stone just for Max. I walked over and took a deep breath and said Goodbye.
The snow seemed very fitting. There is something pure about snow. There's a Christian song that has a pharse about washing your sins away with snow. I can hear the music, but cant think of the words.. but its ok.. I got the meaning. As I got back in the truck both David and I wiped tears off our face. He asked if I needed anymore time alone or if I was ok. I told him I was ok, I only needed to say one word.. One word with so much meaning, so much closure.. Goodbye.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
The day my world just stopped
Friday 3-22-13 afternoon/evening
The day my world just stopped
Friday afternoon meant a trip to the grocery store to get stocked up on breakfast food, snacks and beer for the week. I have mentioned Iowa is a slow pace of life. I have lived in other small towns but nothing matches up to a small town in Iowa. I am uncertain how to explain it completely... When the speed limit is 25, everyone drives 20 and no one thinks anything of it. There is no rush to be anywhere and people are genuinely nice and polite once you do get there. When you go to the grocery store you might see 5 or 10 people you know and everyone says hi and asks how you are doing. Jr high and high schools offer many dances throughout the year and everyone goes. Churches offer potlucks once a month for fellowship so you can get to know your neighbors better. Kids run freely from one yard to another. Neighbors talk to each other. Sharing the dirt road with a john deer tractor is very common. And there's a parking spot at the hy-vee grocery store next to the handicap parking for expectant mothers. Where else do you see that? Its just a different mindset. Shenandoah has changed over the years and houses have become more weathered, but the personalities of people have stayed the same. Names and faces are different but most people there genuinely have a good heart.
After grocery shopping we went out to dinner. We went to The Depot which is a "famous" restaurant in Shen. The original Depot burned down a few years ago but they have rebuilt the new one to look the same. The Depot has a lot of Shenandoah memorabilias on the walls and ceiling. Old band uniforms, high school trophies, and pictures everywhere of all the presidential candidates that have been to town. Also Shenandoah is the hometown of the Everly Brothers so there are pictures of them all over, along with several other concerts in town. There's also an old KYFR sign that was very neat to see.
After dinner back to the garage we went. Music is playing and coversations are flowing. Once again my brother and are discussing childhood memeories along with current life relationships. Eventually our conversation turned to different cities close to Shenandoah, including a small town called Essex. Many of of childhood memories come from that town. Essex is smaller than Shenandoah (hard to believe). It's where our church was along with many of our close church friends, young and old. It is a very Swedish town consisting of many people with the last name of Johnson and yummy swedish meatballs. Every year there would be Fourth of July parades (every church in town had a handmade float, including our own), pancakes, bake sales, ice cream socials, car washes, car smash up derbies, and even carnival rides. Every year many of the houses would flood (including our own in Shen) due to the rains and we would all pitch in to get the water out of the basements. I can even remember swimming in the water in the basement so it wasn't just a little damp; there was a lot of water. And Essex is where Max and Lucille lived....
As I've mentioned before my family is a family of 4... My dad, my mom, my brother and me. When my parents moved to Iowa from California I was 4 years old. My parents knew no one in Iowa, but they knew they didnt want to raise us kids in California. My dad worked for a Christian radio station and church was a big part of our lives. We went to a Covenant church and our church friends became our family... And we were all a very close family. My mom sang in a group called the Soteria singers, my dad did the sound for the group. They would travel around and sing at several different churches and retirement homes. We went to church every Wednesday and Sunday, with card games (idiots delight) with the church family every Friday and sometimes more often throughout the week. Many breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and holidays were spent with all of our friends.
Max and Lucille were my "grandparents"... I knew and even loved them more than my real grandparents. They were both involved a lot with the church and they adopted our family in every aspect of the word. Moped rides, sleigh rides (a full size sleigh pulled by a car on icy roads), a cat named Tina, cards and more cards (sandbagging too), my dads 40th "over the hill" birthday party, worlds of fun, christmas plays, shopping, and so much more... all with my best friend. Max and I were true buddies and for almost 9 years we went everywhere together. I had several friends my own age and I had a great relationship with my parents but there was something about Max and I ... We just connected. Everything was good.
I was in my early teens and having terrible migraines. I was getting sick and missing too much school. It was much more than just pms and my mom could tell something just wasn't right. Mom was at her witts end with trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I was starting to act different too. My parents were suppose to go out of town to Omaha for their anniversary and Max and Lucille were suppose to babysit us. My mom had watched a Phil Donahue show explaining many of my symptoms... I kept a diary, even back then, and my mom decided to read my diary. She was shocked! .... See Max started sexually abusing me and this was the day that changed my life. This was the day my family went from having a ton of security within our church friends, to starting all over... This was the day that my whole world stopped. It was the day my family's world just stopped.
The day my world just stopped
Friday afternoon meant a trip to the grocery store to get stocked up on breakfast food, snacks and beer for the week. I have mentioned Iowa is a slow pace of life. I have lived in other small towns but nothing matches up to a small town in Iowa. I am uncertain how to explain it completely... When the speed limit is 25, everyone drives 20 and no one thinks anything of it. There is no rush to be anywhere and people are genuinely nice and polite once you do get there. When you go to the grocery store you might see 5 or 10 people you know and everyone says hi and asks how you are doing. Jr high and high schools offer many dances throughout the year and everyone goes. Churches offer potlucks once a month for fellowship so you can get to know your neighbors better. Kids run freely from one yard to another. Neighbors talk to each other. Sharing the dirt road with a john deer tractor is very common. And there's a parking spot at the hy-vee grocery store next to the handicap parking for expectant mothers. Where else do you see that? Its just a different mindset. Shenandoah has changed over the years and houses have become more weathered, but the personalities of people have stayed the same. Names and faces are different but most people there genuinely have a good heart.
After grocery shopping we went out to dinner. We went to The Depot which is a "famous" restaurant in Shen. The original Depot burned down a few years ago but they have rebuilt the new one to look the same. The Depot has a lot of Shenandoah memorabilias on the walls and ceiling. Old band uniforms, high school trophies, and pictures everywhere of all the presidential candidates that have been to town. Also Shenandoah is the hometown of the Everly Brothers so there are pictures of them all over, along with several other concerts in town. There's also an old KYFR sign that was very neat to see.
After dinner back to the garage we went. Music is playing and coversations are flowing. Once again my brother and are discussing childhood memeories along with current life relationships. Eventually our conversation turned to different cities close to Shenandoah, including a small town called Essex. Many of of childhood memories come from that town. Essex is smaller than Shenandoah (hard to believe). It's where our church was along with many of our close church friends, young and old. It is a very Swedish town consisting of many people with the last name of Johnson and yummy swedish meatballs. Every year there would be Fourth of July parades (every church in town had a handmade float, including our own), pancakes, bake sales, ice cream socials, car washes, car smash up derbies, and even carnival rides. Every year many of the houses would flood (including our own in Shen) due to the rains and we would all pitch in to get the water out of the basements. I can even remember swimming in the water in the basement so it wasn't just a little damp; there was a lot of water. And Essex is where Max and Lucille lived....
As I've mentioned before my family is a family of 4... My dad, my mom, my brother and me. When my parents moved to Iowa from California I was 4 years old. My parents knew no one in Iowa, but they knew they didnt want to raise us kids in California. My dad worked for a Christian radio station and church was a big part of our lives. We went to a Covenant church and our church friends became our family... And we were all a very close family. My mom sang in a group called the Soteria singers, my dad did the sound for the group. They would travel around and sing at several different churches and retirement homes. We went to church every Wednesday and Sunday, with card games (idiots delight) with the church family every Friday and sometimes more often throughout the week. Many breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and holidays were spent with all of our friends.
Max and Lucille were my "grandparents"... I knew and even loved them more than my real grandparents. They were both involved a lot with the church and they adopted our family in every aspect of the word. Moped rides, sleigh rides (a full size sleigh pulled by a car on icy roads), a cat named Tina, cards and more cards (sandbagging too), my dads 40th "over the hill" birthday party, worlds of fun, christmas plays, shopping, and so much more... all with my best friend. Max and I were true buddies and for almost 9 years we went everywhere together. I had several friends my own age and I had a great relationship with my parents but there was something about Max and I ... We just connected. Everything was good.
I was in my early teens and having terrible migraines. I was getting sick and missing too much school. It was much more than just pms and my mom could tell something just wasn't right. Mom was at her witts end with trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I was starting to act different too. My parents were suppose to go out of town to Omaha for their anniversary and Max and Lucille were suppose to babysit us. My mom had watched a Phil Donahue show explaining many of my symptoms... I kept a diary, even back then, and my mom decided to read my diary. She was shocked! .... See Max started sexually abusing me and this was the day that changed my life. This was the day my family went from having a ton of security within our church friends, to starting all over... This was the day that my whole world stopped. It was the day my family's world just stopped.
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