Sitting with my mom

Friday 3-22-13
Sitting with my mom

Friday morning David and I slept in. There's something about waking up in Shenandoah thats relaxing. It offers a slower pace of life, and without the rest of my family there with me, there was no rush to go anywhere. I sat and just enjoyed one on one time with my brother, which was wonderful!

I also sat with my mom. Going to my brothers house I had to accept that he has pictures of my mom, my dad and family growing up. Since my mother's death I have struggled with having any kind of pictures around. I've wanted to hang family pictures, even of just my own children, but for some reason its just been too painful for me. Sitting here in my brothers house I am presented with this fear of mine. He handled my moms death much differently than I did. They say everyone handles pain in a different way. He immediately made a special place in his house just to honor my mom, my dad, my kids and his own kids.

But in the past, the more I faced the pain, the more I was unable to deal with it. I closed off that chapter in my book of life. Every year I continue to grieve my mom's death and deal with the realities of moving forward with the changes life throws at me. My kids continue to grow and my husband helps me grieve thru the process that my mom will not see them physically grow. My dads life (thankfully) continued to move forward ... But with that brought new challenges of change. Anyone that knows me at all knows that my family does not handle change well. I love my dad and his family dearly, but changes are hard. My dad going to a new state and meeting his future wife was like letting your kids go off to college and realizing my relationship has been not replaced, but has instead has grown. My oldest son graduated from high school and moved out; my youngest is in first grade. Changes are everywhere.

And eventually I shut down to an extent. Believe it or not, I've actually been in a writer's block for a couple of years. I've been too afraid to face my pain and deal with my fears. I've been too scared to sit with my own mind and explore my thoughts. I've been too afraid of saying something that might hurt someone's feelings, including my own. Even writing an email has been challeging; when I write I share myself 100%. It might stir up more emotions that I dont know how to handle. So I just chose not to write.

But here I sit watching tv with my mom, not being able to run from the pain. Pictures all around, no where to hide. Tears fall. It was painful at first, but then it became comforting. Remembering all these fun and wonderful times while making new memories just seemed right. Talking about my brother's new relationship, my family and my dad's family just felt good. Sharing this time with my mom's pictures really made her memories stronger. Beforehand, I think somewhere in my head I felt if I dont hang pictures then time will stand still in my mind and things will be preserved. But today I started the process of healing. No more running from the fact that life must go on, people must move forward, new relationships are made and my kids will grow older. In the past I have always said these things, but today was the first day of healing and truly moving forward. I really started to feel like I'm letting the pain turn into something much better, much healthier... My pain turned to happiness. How lucky am I to have had an awesome childhood, wonderful parents, a great brother, and a wonderful family now. How awesome is it to say that my dad has been able to continue living his life and not die within months, or even years, after my mom. How awesome is love to be able to give and bring such joy. And I honestly wish nothing but joy and happiness for everyone I love.

My mom would feel selfish if this trip was all about her.. Dont worry mom, its all about me. Wow, that feels weird to say. Its about being handed a wonderful gift from my family and being willing enough to dive into this wholeheartedly. Its about healing and moving forward. It's about me and the joy my life has given to me and still has to offer. Its about my mom's voice telling me to go for it, you need this. It's about me being able to hang some pictures when I get home and I can honestly say I'm ready and looking forward to it! I also have this strong desire to find a way to share a blog or website with my dad and brother so we have a place to "hang" pictures on the internet and watch our kids grow. Today is a good day!

So then, whats for lunch? I do believe a potato salad sandwich is fitting; mom would be proud. Off to Hyvee we must go...