Goodbye

Saturday 3-23-13

Goodbye

Let me just start by saying, I am not sharing this in my blog for sympathy or the shock and ah factor. I'm not going to share any more details than already given regarding specifics, but this is about my life. I'm sharing because it was such a big deal for me to go the the cemetery on Saturday in Iowa and this blog is for me, my recovery, and to share with my close friends and family. It's not something I am ashamed of, but it did change my life. It affected how I've dealt with my future relationships, how I feel about myself, how I feel about church and and how I deal with my friendships now. It seems silly for me not to include this in my blog since it was such a big part of Saturday and my journey. I realize it's a very personal thing and if it makes you uncomfortable then please dont read it. It's made me uncomfortable for way too many years and I need this closure... So for me, I must type on.

David and I continued to talk long into the night, early morning. It was interesting to me to hear how my brother's life was changed from that moment and how he remembered everything. My family was super supportive of me and looking back I know it only made us a much stronger family. But that didnt come without a few bumps in the road. My mom felt very guilty for reading my diary but I was (and still am) very thankful she did read it. She knew me well enough to know something wasnt right and she stopped something that could've become much worse than what it already was. I went into therapy and learned to write my emotions out. I was confused because I didnt really understand why we could no longer hang out with Max and Lucille. I also felt a lot of guilt because I told the truth and that affected not just me, but my whole family and many of our church friends. I had never seen my dad so mad before that day. Someone we loved and cared for so much took my innocence away. Other children from the church were questioned, and to my knowledge, I was the only one. We still kept our other friends at church but it was all just different. There was a day I was home sick from school and Lucille showed up. She pushed her way into the house and started yelling at me and calling me a liar and said I just wanted attention. That hurt me so bad. To hear those words from someone I loved so much just hurt. As an adult I understand she was only trying to deal with her pain and loss also, but to this day her words hurt, and I suppose that is what she was going for at the time.

As I mentioned, I went thru therapy... I think they should have offered it to all members of my family, not just me. I know we had a few family sessions but I know their pain was as great as mine. As part of my final session in therapy I was able to talk face to face with Max. Being brought up in the church I was taught to always forgive.... And I did forgive him. I gave forgiveness but I still carried the pain and burden on myself. I dont know that the rest of my family was able to forgive him. On that day I was able to tell Max that I didn't understand it all, but I did forgive him. I told him I know I will never be able to be around him anymore but it was just too painful to tell him goodbye, so someday after he died, if I was in Shenandoah I would go out to his grave and tell him goodbye. I told this to my brother while we were in the garage tonight. He never knew that part of my conversation with Max. I didnt even know for sure if Max had died. After checking the internet on our phones (isnt technology great?!) we were able to confirm he did die a few years ago. We knew at that moment what we were going to do on Saturday... We were going to Essex and going out to the cemetery.

Saturday we got a late start, but considering it was a very late night it felt wonderful to sleep in as long as we wanted to. I think it was probably 2 or 3 before we got out the door. There were rumors of snow and as we got in my brother's truck it was becoming more than a rumor. It was actually refreshing to see the snow in Iowa. I was happy it was snowing but didnt want there to be too much snow.. I want to be able to get back home on Wednesday... But for now, let it snow! I felt like a little kid seeing the first snow of the winter, hoping for a snow day from school.

As we drove out to Essex I could hear Mickey and Becky Moore in my head. For those of you not familiar with them, they are Christian singers and we would often listen to them on our drive to church. I felt like I was in the blue station wagon as we drove past the three KMA radio towers. We drove past the gingerbread house (that always reminded me of Hansel and Gretel), and farmhouses I still remember. The drive is only 15 minutes but it took me back 30 years.

Essex looks familiar. The high school now also includes the elementary school. The houses look pretty much the same and the churches are still as majestic as I remember them. As we drove up to Max and Lucille's house I could hear the laughter and smell the dinner cooking. But the house is deserted; a foreclosure notice posted on the window. The living room once filled with blue curtains and blue furniture is now empty. That white house now stands still and empty, almost as chilling as my emotions attached to the house.

David and I drove over to our church. Unlike my old house I had a strong desire to go inside. The snow hit my face as I got out of the truck and went to check the doors. They were all locked. I almost knocked on the pastor's house door but I didnt want the conversation, I only wanted my memory. So I took many pictures to capture the moment and got back in the warm truck.

We drove around town more looking at several houses that once belonged to our friends. Kimi's house has had a room or two added on, but I bet the basement still floods. Ruth Marie's place looked the same. I remembered seeing the biggest Christmas tree ever in Noral's house along with his wife's really old barbies. Main street looked different.. Missing the Swedish store and a park that once was there. Its amazing how many memories a town can hold. One last stop by Max and Lucille's house and our tour of the town was complete.

Onward to the cemetery .. the dirt road heading out to the cemetery was dusted with snow. It was a short road but seemed to go on forever. As we drove into the cemetery many tombstones were all around. We had no idea what type of grave we were looking for or in what direction it might be located. We slowly drove around ...its a smaller cemetery so this shouldn't be too hard. Holy cow there are a lot of Johnson's, Carlson's, Ryberg's, and other names that end in "son." maybe this wont be as easy as we thought. Row after row we were not able to find it from our car. We saw this big sign on the back row, surely this is a directory with plots and names. David and I got out in the cold wind and snow and looked over the board. It was not written in a way to explain anything. It told us many names and third row, but it didnt say which third row or if it was in the front or back of the cemetery. It was typed from an old typewriter and appeared to be referring to the older tombstones. It was useless. So back in the truck we went.. Oh the heat felt good. I was almost ready to give up but david was not. He knew this was too important to give up now. He looked on his phone and was able to find a picture of the tombstone via Lucille's obituary. Again I am amazed at technology. Now we know what color, what shape and size we are looking for, so we drove around some more. The snow is falling harder, the wind is picking up. Oh my God, there it is.. Am I ready for this? It was located back towards the entrance. Looking around I can see a sign at the entrance of the cemetery that looks professional with the locations of everyone. Ironically I think it was meant for us to drive around and have time to feel all the history a cemetery holds.

I asked David to take some pictures because I dont know how much of this I can soak in. I buttoned my coat up and out I went. Brrrr! The grass crunched with every step over to the stone. I was hit with so many emotions. What do I say, how will I feel? As I approached the stone many tears fell. I could tell it was emotional for my brother too. Two people that brought so much happiness and pain to me and my family lay under this stone. As I knelt down to touch the stone a brisk wind pressed against my face. The snow was melting as it hit my cheeks. I stood back up and saw another stone just for Max. I walked over and took a deep breath and said Goodbye.

The snow seemed very fitting. There is something pure about snow. There's a Christian song that has a pharse about washing your sins away with snow. I can hear the music, but cant think of the words.. but its ok.. I got the meaning. As I got back in the truck both David and I wiped tears off our face. He asked if I needed anymore time alone or if I was ok. I told him I was ok, I only needed to say one word.. One word with so much meaning, so much closure.. Goodbye.