Just a note...
For everyone watching my blog in real time, you may have noticed I am over a week behind in my posts. I have made it home to Oregon, but my journey in my blog if far from being over. I need to continue to post as time allows. I am unable to put in words how much this trip has given to me and how at peace I am with everything. I have returned a much stronger loving mother, wife and woman. I need to continue my writings about this trip. There is something very freeing about sharing this journey, even if no one else is watching. I just want to yell all it from a mountain top and let it all go. Most of my writings are very personal, but I feel a strong need and desire to share with my friends and family. I thought I would write everyday while traveling, and I did write small notes as remimders to myself. But writing takes much longer than I realized, especially writing in such a way to express my inner thoughts and emotions. I realize now why Molly doesn't post everyday; its not that she doesnt want to share her everyday experiences, but she too busy living those experiences; soaking it all in. Every car ride, train ride, bus ride, walk and flight is its own adventure and meaning. Soak it in Molly! But tell us about it all later and write one line sentences to remind yourself of the silly moments you wont want to forget later!
As for me, I really need this, I really need to feel I've completed my journey and have it all out on paper. This is a chapter in my life.. In my book..
Having said that ... Where was I?
Keep watching for Friday's posts. ♥
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Perfect
Dinner Thursday night... 3-21-13
Perfect
David's son Sean came to the house Thursday afternoon with his girlfriend Justine. We all went out to dinner to Godfathers pizza, which was on my "to do" list. I worked at Godfathers pizza when I was in high school for 2 years. The other 2 years I worked at dairy queen. As we sat there at dinner Sean and Justine giggled and flirted. Sean is 17 right now; I was 18 when I moved away. The guy I was dating before I moved away from Shenandoah is named Mike. His step daughter is Justine (confused yet?); now dating Sean.. So as I am sitting at Godfather's it was start of my reflection of seeing myself at 18 ... Flirty, carefree, no kids, no bills, just 18 in Shenandoah without a plan or worry into the future.
Later that evening, David and I spent a few hours with Sammy (his dog) in the garage. Jeff asked me "what do u do in the garage?" Well, we drank beer and talked... And talked, and talked. We had a very nice talk about growing up, our friends, our ex boyfriends/girlfriends, our families now, our parents, and life in Shenandoah. We talked about a lot about our mom and dad and how we miss them so much. It was comforting to hear my brother's memories as they brought on many memories of my own.
I struggle with my mom's death and it has brought on much pain in my heart. My mom was a wonderful, caring, beautiful, loving, mother. She was perfect in everyone's eyes but her own. As a young child I have memories of handmade clothing, homemade dinners, sunday school crafts, making homemade cookies (with batter on the ceiling), and card games with our church family.... We had perfect midwest life. but my mom had a lot of issues with wanting to be perfect, but I wish she would've been able to see how perfect she truly was. Not once did I ever see her as being imperfect.. Even as an adult with all of her struggles I still felt, and still feel, she was a perfect mother. Not everything she did was perfect, but she was always thinking about her family, even until the day she died. I wish my mom could've seen herself thru my eyes; and to see and know how special she was/is to us kids.
While talking my brother I had a few "ah ha" and "light bulb" moments about my mom and dad's paths and how they affect our lives. It also gave me more clarity on my own life behaviors. There are times that I struggle with my own imperfections and feeling I'm not good enough and Jeff will hold my hand and calm my nerves. What tonight showed me is that I am not perfect; I will make some wrong choices, and I will struggle with not being a perfect mother or being able to provide my children with the best clothes, toys, or other material things... but those are all things in my own head. Its ok not to be perfect and to make mistakes, to make wrong choices and say the wrong things. See that's not what makes me or my mom perfect.
My mom gave me a piece of paper with cookie cutter hearts drawn on them when I was in jr high. At the top of the paper it said "christina is:" and in each cookie cutter shape she wrote a different word. warm, caring, loving, beautiful, silly, sassy, funny, faithful, honest, thoughtful, perfect. Those are all words she used to describe me ...and those are all words I use to describe her... and I feel those r the same words I feel my husband and children would use to describe me now and I hope I will always be able to see that thru their eyes.. Yes, Perfect.
Perfect
David's son Sean came to the house Thursday afternoon with his girlfriend Justine. We all went out to dinner to Godfathers pizza, which was on my "to do" list. I worked at Godfathers pizza when I was in high school for 2 years. The other 2 years I worked at dairy queen. As we sat there at dinner Sean and Justine giggled and flirted. Sean is 17 right now; I was 18 when I moved away. The guy I was dating before I moved away from Shenandoah is named Mike. His step daughter is Justine (confused yet?); now dating Sean.. So as I am sitting at Godfather's it was start of my reflection of seeing myself at 18 ... Flirty, carefree, no kids, no bills, just 18 in Shenandoah without a plan or worry into the future.
Later that evening, David and I spent a few hours with Sammy (his dog) in the garage. Jeff asked me "what do u do in the garage?" Well, we drank beer and talked... And talked, and talked. We had a very nice talk about growing up, our friends, our ex boyfriends/girlfriends, our families now, our parents, and life in Shenandoah. We talked about a lot about our mom and dad and how we miss them so much. It was comforting to hear my brother's memories as they brought on many memories of my own.
I struggle with my mom's death and it has brought on much pain in my heart. My mom was a wonderful, caring, beautiful, loving, mother. She was perfect in everyone's eyes but her own. As a young child I have memories of handmade clothing, homemade dinners, sunday school crafts, making homemade cookies (with batter on the ceiling), and card games with our church family.... We had perfect midwest life. but my mom had a lot of issues with wanting to be perfect, but I wish she would've been able to see how perfect she truly was. Not once did I ever see her as being imperfect.. Even as an adult with all of her struggles I still felt, and still feel, she was a perfect mother. Not everything she did was perfect, but she was always thinking about her family, even until the day she died. I wish my mom could've seen herself thru my eyes; and to see and know how special she was/is to us kids.
While talking my brother I had a few "ah ha" and "light bulb" moments about my mom and dad's paths and how they affect our lives. It also gave me more clarity on my own life behaviors. There are times that I struggle with my own imperfections and feeling I'm not good enough and Jeff will hold my hand and calm my nerves. What tonight showed me is that I am not perfect; I will make some wrong choices, and I will struggle with not being a perfect mother or being able to provide my children with the best clothes, toys, or other material things... but those are all things in my own head. Its ok not to be perfect and to make mistakes, to make wrong choices and say the wrong things. See that's not what makes me or my mom perfect.
My mom gave me a piece of paper with cookie cutter hearts drawn on them when I was in jr high. At the top of the paper it said "christina is:" and in each cookie cutter shape she wrote a different word. warm, caring, loving, beautiful, silly, sassy, funny, faithful, honest, thoughtful, perfect. Those are all words she used to describe me ...and those are all words I use to describe her... and I feel those r the same words I feel my husband and children would use to describe me now and I hope I will always be able to see that thru their eyes.. Yes, Perfect.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
The house that built me
Still Thursday 3-21-13
The house that built me.
Driving into Shenandoah was overwhelming. So many things have changed. Old buildings have been replaced with new ones, some old farm houses still stand, and some have burned down. My brother drove me all around town. We looked at all of the houses our friends used go call home. He showed me the new houses where some live now. We drove past the bank and the churches, the Casey's mini marts and the hyvee in town. A new walmart has been built, along with a new school to replace the old elementary schools. It was eerie driving by the building that once was KYFR and the also by the hospital... Both are places that my parents once worked. We drove past parks I remember playing and hanging out in. Many, many high school evenings were spent in those parks. We drove past our old swimming pool and I was very disappointed they torn that pool down. It was such an awesome pool. But they did build a new pool probably 1/3 the size and added some cool slides to replace the diving boards.
Then going into my old neighborhood... Wow.... That was weird. Seeing my old house and my old tree that once was my home. Memories ... Oh the memories. I could hear the laughter of chasing fireflies and climbing the tree and losing my boots in the mud right in front of the tree. Playing with my friends and seeing mom's face looking out the front window with Packet (our dog) by her side. Seeing Packet just run .. And run.. And run.. From one yard to another and eventually coming back home. Seeing images of the ham radio tower my dad once had, looking in the backyard and seeing the hill that all the kids loved so much. It made a great hill to sled down in the winter, great hiding places for easter egg hunts, and a wonderful area for a garden of many vegetables; including black eyed peas. Seeing the trees that didnt exsist because of our sledding and missing some trees that are no longer there. Remembering the pussy willow plant out my back window and mom planting flowers all around. and my first bike ride down the hill (with no brakes); and remembering the trip to the hospital afterwards :( so many incredible memories are held by that house, yard and tree.
The color of the house has changed and I can see the years have not always been kind. But its my house, and these are my memeories swirling around like a tornado in my head. Which reminds me of the tornadoes that went thru our back yard and a neighbors yard too. Its amazing anything is still standing. This is the house that built me into the person I am today. Mirlanda Lambert sings a song called "The house that built me." it is perfect for this moment of reflection. The chorus says "I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside of me might start healing. Out here its like I'm someone else. If I could just come in, I swear I'll leave. Wont take nothing but a memory from the house that built me."
I did not ask to go inside... Some memories I do not want to replace. I know the furniture is different and I'm sure the walls have changed colors a time or two. And please, someone please, replace that blue carpet downstairs. :) But please, no one take my memories away.
The house that built me.
Driving into Shenandoah was overwhelming. So many things have changed. Old buildings have been replaced with new ones, some old farm houses still stand, and some have burned down. My brother drove me all around town. We looked at all of the houses our friends used go call home. He showed me the new houses where some live now. We drove past the bank and the churches, the Casey's mini marts and the hyvee in town. A new walmart has been built, along with a new school to replace the old elementary schools. It was eerie driving by the building that once was KYFR and the also by the hospital... Both are places that my parents once worked. We drove past parks I remember playing and hanging out in. Many, many high school evenings were spent in those parks. We drove past our old swimming pool and I was very disappointed they torn that pool down. It was such an awesome pool. But they did build a new pool probably 1/3 the size and added some cool slides to replace the diving boards.
Then going into my old neighborhood... Wow.... That was weird. Seeing my old house and my old tree that once was my home. Memories ... Oh the memories. I could hear the laughter of chasing fireflies and climbing the tree and losing my boots in the mud right in front of the tree. Playing with my friends and seeing mom's face looking out the front window with Packet (our dog) by her side. Seeing Packet just run .. And run.. And run.. From one yard to another and eventually coming back home. Seeing images of the ham radio tower my dad once had, looking in the backyard and seeing the hill that all the kids loved so much. It made a great hill to sled down in the winter, great hiding places for easter egg hunts, and a wonderful area for a garden of many vegetables; including black eyed peas. Seeing the trees that didnt exsist because of our sledding and missing some trees that are no longer there. Remembering the pussy willow plant out my back window and mom planting flowers all around. and my first bike ride down the hill (with no brakes); and remembering the trip to the hospital afterwards :( so many incredible memories are held by that house, yard and tree.
The color of the house has changed and I can see the years have not always been kind. But its my house, and these are my memeories swirling around like a tornado in my head. Which reminds me of the tornadoes that went thru our back yard and a neighbors yard too. Its amazing anything is still standing. This is the house that built me into the person I am today. Mirlanda Lambert sings a song called "The house that built me." it is perfect for this moment of reflection. The chorus says "I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside of me might start healing. Out here its like I'm someone else. If I could just come in, I swear I'll leave. Wont take nothing but a memory from the house that built me."
I did not ask to go inside... Some memories I do not want to replace. I know the furniture is different and I'm sure the walls have changed colors a time or two. And please, someone please, replace that blue carpet downstairs. :) But please, no one take my memories away.
Shenandoah here I come
3-21-13 Thursday afternoon Shenandoah here I come!
At first I am overjoyed with just seeing my brother! When you haven't seen family in so long its just so awesome to know I have a week just to sit and be with him. Just to have conversations that don't involve texting one another. Wow .. This is a dream. And boy did I talk his ear off driving to Shenandoah. I was excited and nervous and tears would flow at free will. There was no off switch. I replayed in my head all the reasons I have programed in my head about why its so hard to go back.
Reason 1... This one started 20 years ago. My best friend Taunya was getting married and wanted me to be her maid of honor. I was so excited. But my ex husband was not. He was threatened by the idea of me going home. We couldnt afford much so if I went it would only be me... he couldnt stand that idea. He forbid me from going and said if I went then we would be over. Looking back, I know I should've gone anyways. He had a way of playing mind tricks and throughout our many fights over the topic he convinced me somehow that no one was left there and no one would want to see me anyways. I fought back and told him it was about Taunya, not me.. But somehow between his mind games and feeling I needed to respect my (then) husband's wishes I told Taunya I couldnt come home. I have always regretted that decision. I would totally redo that moment in time if I could. And I hate that 20 years later it can still have a hold on me... But no more... In your face!! I'm going home! :P
Reason 2.... Money. I've always wanted to take jeff and the kids back to my hometown but its so expensive to travel with a family of 4 by car or plane ... We already know that reason 2 meant that I left my family behind and I made this a personal journey. In the whole relm of things I dont know why I am suppose to go back 1st without them. I know it'll be a much different trip without them though. Not to mention, I miss them dearly already. But ths trip is now all about me with no agenda, we dont have to go anywhere or entertain anyone. We just have to be. I dont know if I'm any good at that. Having time on my hands just to absorb this adventure, to take it all in slowly will be weird but in a nice sort of way. But when my family comes I really want to take them to oldtown in omaha and go eat some bubblegum. :) A family trip will be a trip with a list of places I want to go; but this time here with just me and my brother it's a time just for us to slowly catch up. relax and unwind.
Reason 3... Memories... I have a lot of great memories from my childhood. My family was/is a strong family of 4 committed 100% to each other. I know going back things will have changed... My memories will be foggy and some buildings and most of my friends will be gone, and I need to be ok with the fact that Shenandoah has changed with time.. But so have I. Now that my mom is no longer with us my childhood memories are so precious and almost untouchable in my mind. Maybe it will be hard to accept new memories overlapping my childhood memories. maybe that will help with me moving on and living forward with my life. I'm hoping it will bring some closer. Not that I want to close the book, but instead piece that book together and make things.. Life.. Flow more freely. Its easy to try and scoop those memories under the rug but I dont want to. But I still have not been able to hang any pictures in my house if my mom because it has been to painful. Maybe if I have to sit in a room full of memories it will help me realize I can do it and that life can still move forward. I'm afraid of getting stuck in the pain so I dont even acknowledge its there... But it is.
And then there are some memories that are almost haunting.. That going back home will stir those loose.... Some goodbyes I need to give .. but I think that is a chapter for another day.
Reason 4... My weight. When I left 22 years ago I was more than 100+ pounds lighter than I am now. What if I run into an old friend or exboyfriend? What will they think? What if they laugh at me? I dont much like pictures of me now.. I'm too heavy. Part of this is letting go ... Somehow becoming ok with me at 40 and not seeing me as 18. Well, at least with my weight... There are many features about me that I am much better with now that I'm 40 than 18. Something I read awhile back on facebook was about someone who is overweight and hated pictures of herself. She didnt want to see herself heavy but instead wanted to see herself with her body in high school. The problem is that there were never any pictures of her with her kids and nothing was ever in print for her kids to see.... Eventually one day her kid asked why she hates pictures of herslf and she explained that she was much prettier back then and she showed a high school picture to her child. At that moment she realized her child had no clue who that high school person was. "but mommy I dont know person, I know you. And your perfect.. And I want to able to have a picture of the two of us." I want my children to be proud of me and remember me as a strong, beautiful caring mom, no matter what size I am. And with pictures. I struggle with this one and I am not certain a trip home will get me over the hurdle.. But maybe I can get a half way down the field.
All of this.. These reasons have been traveling with me down the road. They have weighed so heavy on my heart during my travels... It's time to throw them out the window... roll down the window and scream.. I think it was more of a yelp. Shenandoah here I come... Ready or not.. There's the hill..and the tower... Holy cow.. After 22 years I'm home. Breathe...
At first I am overjoyed with just seeing my brother! When you haven't seen family in so long its just so awesome to know I have a week just to sit and be with him. Just to have conversations that don't involve texting one another. Wow .. This is a dream. And boy did I talk his ear off driving to Shenandoah. I was excited and nervous and tears would flow at free will. There was no off switch. I replayed in my head all the reasons I have programed in my head about why its so hard to go back.
Reason 1... This one started 20 years ago. My best friend Taunya was getting married and wanted me to be her maid of honor. I was so excited. But my ex husband was not. He was threatened by the idea of me going home. We couldnt afford much so if I went it would only be me... he couldnt stand that idea. He forbid me from going and said if I went then we would be over. Looking back, I know I should've gone anyways. He had a way of playing mind tricks and throughout our many fights over the topic he convinced me somehow that no one was left there and no one would want to see me anyways. I fought back and told him it was about Taunya, not me.. But somehow between his mind games and feeling I needed to respect my (then) husband's wishes I told Taunya I couldnt come home. I have always regretted that decision. I would totally redo that moment in time if I could. And I hate that 20 years later it can still have a hold on me... But no more... In your face!! I'm going home! :P
Reason 2.... Money. I've always wanted to take jeff and the kids back to my hometown but its so expensive to travel with a family of 4 by car or plane ... We already know that reason 2 meant that I left my family behind and I made this a personal journey. In the whole relm of things I dont know why I am suppose to go back 1st without them. I know it'll be a much different trip without them though. Not to mention, I miss them dearly already. But ths trip is now all about me with no agenda, we dont have to go anywhere or entertain anyone. We just have to be. I dont know if I'm any good at that. Having time on my hands just to absorb this adventure, to take it all in slowly will be weird but in a nice sort of way. But when my family comes I really want to take them to oldtown in omaha and go eat some bubblegum. :) A family trip will be a trip with a list of places I want to go; but this time here with just me and my brother it's a time just for us to slowly catch up. relax and unwind.
Reason 3... Memories... I have a lot of great memories from my childhood. My family was/is a strong family of 4 committed 100% to each other. I know going back things will have changed... My memories will be foggy and some buildings and most of my friends will be gone, and I need to be ok with the fact that Shenandoah has changed with time.. But so have I. Now that my mom is no longer with us my childhood memories are so precious and almost untouchable in my mind. Maybe it will be hard to accept new memories overlapping my childhood memories. maybe that will help with me moving on and living forward with my life. I'm hoping it will bring some closer. Not that I want to close the book, but instead piece that book together and make things.. Life.. Flow more freely. Its easy to try and scoop those memories under the rug but I dont want to. But I still have not been able to hang any pictures in my house if my mom because it has been to painful. Maybe if I have to sit in a room full of memories it will help me realize I can do it and that life can still move forward. I'm afraid of getting stuck in the pain so I dont even acknowledge its there... But it is.
And then there are some memories that are almost haunting.. That going back home will stir those loose.... Some goodbyes I need to give .. but I think that is a chapter for another day.
Reason 4... My weight. When I left 22 years ago I was more than 100+ pounds lighter than I am now. What if I run into an old friend or exboyfriend? What will they think? What if they laugh at me? I dont much like pictures of me now.. I'm too heavy. Part of this is letting go ... Somehow becoming ok with me at 40 and not seeing me as 18. Well, at least with my weight... There are many features about me that I am much better with now that I'm 40 than 18. Something I read awhile back on facebook was about someone who is overweight and hated pictures of herself. She didnt want to see herself heavy but instead wanted to see herself with her body in high school. The problem is that there were never any pictures of her with her kids and nothing was ever in print for her kids to see.... Eventually one day her kid asked why she hates pictures of herslf and she explained that she was much prettier back then and she showed a high school picture to her child. At that moment she realized her child had no clue who that high school person was. "but mommy I dont know person, I know you. And your perfect.. And I want to able to have a picture of the two of us." I want my children to be proud of me and remember me as a strong, beautiful caring mom, no matter what size I am. And with pictures. I struggle with this one and I am not certain a trip home will get me over the hurdle.. But maybe I can get a half way down the field.
All of this.. These reasons have been traveling with me down the road. They have weighed so heavy on my heart during my travels... It's time to throw them out the window... roll down the window and scream.. I think it was more of a yelp. Shenandoah here I come... Ready or not.. There's the hill..and the tower... Holy cow.. After 22 years I'm home. Breathe...
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Pictures are caught up with my posts!
I finally got my pictures caught up with my posts. Trying to figure out how to post pictures was quite the project! I completely understand why Molly has not put pictures on her blog! Its much easier to put them on Facebook, but Facebook makes me nervous. I realize there a lot of road shots and not many of me and it may seem boring to see... Just imagine how 4 days of those images felt.
Next stop Shenandoah!! Keep watching for more to come. missing u all!
Next stop Shenandoah!! Keep watching for more to come. missing u all!
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