Perfect

Dinner Thursday night... 3-21-13

Perfect

David's son Sean came to the house Thursday afternoon with his girlfriend Justine. We all went out to dinner to Godfathers pizza, which was on my "to do" list. I worked at Godfathers pizza when I was in high school for 2 years. The other 2 years I worked at dairy queen. As we sat there at dinner Sean and Justine giggled and flirted. Sean is 17 right now; I was 18 when I moved away. The guy I was dating before I moved away from Shenandoah is named Mike. His step daughter is Justine (confused yet?); now dating Sean.. So as I am sitting at Godfather's it was start of my reflection of seeing myself at 18 ... Flirty, carefree, no kids, no bills, just 18 in Shenandoah without a plan or worry into the future.

Later that evening, David and I spent a few hours with Sammy (his dog) in the garage. Jeff asked me "what do u do in the garage?" Well, we drank beer and talked... And talked, and talked. We had a very nice talk about growing up, our friends, our ex boyfriends/girlfriends, our families now, our parents, and life in Shenandoah. We talked about a lot about our mom and dad and how we miss them so much. It was comforting to hear my brother's memories as they brought on many memories of my own.

I struggle with my mom's death and it has brought on much pain in my heart. My mom was a wonderful, caring, beautiful, loving, mother. She was perfect in everyone's eyes but her own. As a young child I have memories of handmade clothing, homemade dinners, sunday school crafts, making homemade cookies (with batter on the ceiling), and card games with our church family.... We had perfect midwest life. but my mom had a lot of issues with wanting to be perfect, but I wish she would've been able to see how perfect she truly was. Not once did I ever see her as being imperfect.. Even as an adult with all of her struggles I still felt, and still feel, she was a perfect mother. Not everything she did was perfect, but she was always thinking about her family, even until the day she died. I wish my mom could've seen herself thru my eyes; and to see and know how special she was/is to us kids.

While talking my brother I had a few "ah ha" and "light bulb" moments about my mom and dad's paths and how they affect our lives. It also gave me more clarity on my own life behaviors. There are times that I struggle with my own imperfections and feeling I'm not good enough and Jeff will hold my hand and calm my nerves. What tonight showed me is that I am not perfect; I will make some wrong choices, and I will struggle with not being a perfect mother or being able to provide my children with the best clothes, toys, or other material things... but those are all things in my own head. Its ok not to be perfect and to make mistakes, to make wrong choices and say the wrong things. See that's not what makes me or my mom perfect.

My mom gave me a piece of paper with cookie cutter hearts drawn on them when I was in jr high. At the top of the paper it said "christina is:" and in each cookie cutter shape she wrote a different word. warm, caring, loving, beautiful, silly, sassy, funny, faithful, honest, thoughtful, perfect. Those are all words she used to describe me ...and those are all words I use to describe her... and I feel those r the same words I feel my husband and children would use to describe me now and I hope I will always be able to see that thru their eyes.. Yes, Perfect.