Shenandoah here I come

3-21-13 Thursday afternoon Shenandoah here I come!

 At first I am overjoyed with just seeing my brother! When you haven't seen family in so long its just so awesome to know I have a week just to sit and be with him. Just to have conversations that don't involve texting one another. Wow .. This is a dream. And boy did I talk his ear off driving to Shenandoah. I was excited and nervous and tears would flow at free will. There was no off switch. I replayed in my head all the reasons I have programed in my head about why its so hard to go back.

Reason 1... This one started 20 years ago. My best friend Taunya was getting married and wanted me to be her maid of honor. I was so excited. But my ex husband was not. He was threatened by the idea of me going home. We couldnt afford much so if I went it would only be me... he couldnt stand that idea. He forbid me from going and said if I went then we would be over. Looking back, I know I should've gone anyways. He had a way of playing mind tricks and throughout our many fights over the topic he convinced me somehow that no one was left there and no one would want to see me anyways. I fought back and told him it was about Taunya, not me.. But somehow between his mind games and feeling I needed to respect my (then) husband's wishes I told Taunya I couldnt come home. I have always regretted that decision. I would totally redo that moment in time if I could. And I hate that 20 years later it can still have a hold on me... But no more... In your face!! I'm going home! :P

Reason 2.... Money. I've always wanted to take jeff and the kids back to my hometown but its so expensive to travel with a family of 4 by car or plane ... We already know that reason 2 meant that I left my family behind and I made this a personal journey. In the whole relm of things I dont know why I am suppose to go back 1st without them. I know it'll be a much different trip without them though. Not to mention, I miss them dearly already. But ths trip is now all about me with no agenda, we dont have to go anywhere or entertain anyone. We just have to be. I dont know if I'm any good at that. Having time on my hands just to absorb this adventure, to take it all in slowly will be weird but in a nice sort of way. But when my family comes I really want to take them to oldtown in omaha and go eat some bubblegum. :) A family trip will be a trip with a list of places I want to go; but this time here with just me and my brother it's a time just for us to slowly catch up. relax and unwind.

Reason 3... Memories... I have a lot of great memories from my childhood. My family was/is a strong family of 4 committed 100% to each other. I know going back things will have changed... My memories will be foggy and some buildings and most of my friends will be gone, and I need to be ok with the fact that Shenandoah has changed with time.. But so have I. Now that my mom is no longer with us my childhood memories are so precious and almost untouchable in my mind. Maybe it will be hard to accept new memories overlapping my childhood memories. maybe that will help with me moving on and living forward with my life. I'm hoping it will bring some closer. Not that I want to close the book, but instead piece that book together and make things.. Life.. Flow more freely. Its easy to try and scoop those memories under the rug but I dont want to. But I still have not been able to hang any pictures in my house if my mom because it has been to painful. Maybe if I have to sit in a room full of memories it will help me realize I can do it and that life can still move forward. I'm afraid of getting stuck in the pain so I dont even acknowledge its there... But it is.

And then there are some memories that are almost haunting.. That going back home will stir those loose.... Some goodbyes I need to give .. but I think that is a chapter for another day.

Reason 4... My weight. When I left 22 years ago I was more than 100+ pounds lighter than I am now. What if I run into an old friend or exboyfriend? What will they think? What if they laugh at me? I dont much like pictures of me now.. I'm too heavy. Part of this is letting go ... Somehow becoming ok with me at 40 and not seeing me as 18. Well, at least with my weight... There are many features about me that I am much better with now that I'm 40 than 18. Something I read awhile back on facebook was about someone who is overweight and hated pictures of herself. She didnt want to see herself heavy but instead wanted to see herself with her body in high school. The problem is that there were never any pictures of her with her kids and nothing was ever in print for her kids to see.... Eventually one day her kid asked why she hates pictures of herslf and she explained that she was much prettier back then and she showed a high school picture to her child. At that moment she realized her child had no clue who that high school person was. "but mommy I dont know person, I know you. And your perfect.. And I want to able to have a picture of the two of us." I want my children to be proud of me and remember me as a strong, beautiful caring mom, no matter what size I am. And with pictures. I struggle with this one and I am not certain a trip home will get me over the hurdle.. But maybe I can get a half way down the field.

All of this.. These reasons have been traveling with me down the road. They have weighed so heavy on my heart during my travels... It's time to throw them out the window... roll down the window and scream.. I think it was more of a yelp. Shenandoah here I come... Ready or not.. There's the hill..and the tower... Holy cow.. After 22 years I'm home. Breathe...